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EMPTINESS IS A STATE OF MIND



Eat not FoleyPower Rangers' New OwnerThe War on HorrorGlobal MicrowavingClaus Family DivorceTurtle Saves Millions
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Certain persons, whether out of disgust or religious beliefs, have refused to endulge in cannibalism and eat the aforementioned Foley. As a result, I have compiled a list of things that you may eat in replacement of Foley- though nothing could taste as delicious as my very own flesh.

1.Spam
2.Laffy-Taffy
3.Poo
4.Quaker Oats





Ah, spam. Have you ever tasted something more canned? So rubbery... so generic... and no one's really sure just what kind of meat spam really is. But fear not! Spam is not to be feared! In fact, it is proven to be a healthful alternative to eating raw lard! But the saddest part is, a vast majority of Americans would be excited to hear this rather than laughing at the joke, so I leave you with this- please, please don't eat raw lard. It's pretty nasty!






Want to bring real joy to a child you know this holiday season? Why not go the easy way out and buy them inexpensive candy! At only 39.95 a pound, Laffy-Taffys are the most affordable taffy of the year! What's even better, we'll throw in two more free jokes with your paid order of 60 lb set! You can't get this offer anywhere else! Order now!






Well, I think the Spam was a better choice, but if you insist, you can partake in this delecacy from the White House. It is said that poo is the ultimate aquired taste, but if you love it then there's no stopping you! Some argue that the poo is laced with something, but it has been scientifically proven that eating poo stimulates happiness.
Well, not really. But it's still okay to eat poo. No one will laugh at you. Really!






What's warm, brown, gushy, and delicious? Okay, we're not talking about to poo anymore. We're talking about the next best thing- Oatmeal! But be careful... Oatmeal has its enemies... There are those who seek to turn from the oatmeal. Thankfully, oatmeal is powerful enough to repel such evils. So powerful, in fact, that some find the need to pretend to be as great as the oatmeal...




...but we all know better than that, don't we?


THINGS AREN'T LOOKING TOO GOOD FOR THE





ABOVE: Micheal Jackson, after buying out the Power Rangers TM, is to portray the red ranger in their upcoming film- Power Rangers: Children in Spandex.
On Friday, December 16, 2005, Micheal Jackson's bank account plummetted. Being a hot source for the media these days, they immediately shoved their noses in his business and deiscovered his next venture- Jackson has spent his life savings on buying out the Power Rangers.

"We all know and love the Power Rangers," says Jackson, "but I don't think we love them quite enough... I'm taking this love to the next level." Many reporters, being unsure how to react to such comments, ran away and committed suicide, however, those who stayed received pure gold for reporting.

LEFT: Jackson's surprised expression as he views a suicidal journalist from Alabama.

"I think we need to combine our love for the Rangers with our love for the Holidays," Micheal said, seemingly saddened by the reporters who had met bloody ends just moments ago. "To help spread the joy of the Power Rangers and Christmas, I have introduced plans to shoot a movie in time for the new year- 'Power Rangers: Children in Spandex'."

While it was a major catch for any reporter, as they jotted down in their little books, there was an awkward moment while the title of the movie sank in.

"The Power Rangers mean a lot to me," Jackson went on, "and I don't think you ever really understand them until you join them in their battle against evil... That is why I have chosen myself to play the lead Ranger in the upcoming film. I'm hoping, that just maybe, some of the kids will rub off on me."

As of now, no plot line or overview has been released for the movie, but Jackson promises us that "It will rock your socks. And possibly your underwear."
ABOVE: Scientists estimate Earth will appear like this in a matter of thirty seconds.




GLOBAL MICROWAVING

Constantly the Antichristian liberal media is trying to convince us that our use of fossil fuels is burning away the atmosphere and that we should stop burning these fuels (even though our actions are endorsed by GOD!) to save the planet and prevent global warming. Well, I present to you the truth!

LEFT: God has granted us this image of the galaxy. God has yet to disclose the exact reason why he damned us all to a firey death.

Finally the truth is out- the galaxy is in a microwave set to fry- and we are all going to eat hot glowing death. The reason? God, who placed us in this dire situation, has not yet revealed his reasons.




CLAUS FAMILY DIVORCE

ABOVE: Santa prepares to head to his new home in the Bahamas. Notice that Dancer and Cupid are not present, as Mrs. Claus (Ms. Loogfut, now), received custody of the two reindeer.

Tragedy struck the Claus family in just early December when Mrs. Claus said "I'm sick of getting laid by no-one except fat old men and short pointy eared freaks!" Kris, taken completely by surprise with her comment, took a moment to think it over and then shoved divorce papers down her throat.

"I nearly choked!" Proclaimed Ms.Loogfut. "So I sued him for his reindeer." Dancer and Cupid, the only two reindeer that were not given to Kris, had this to say in reply to Mrs.Claus's comments:

"Snort," The reindeer openly admitted, though Kris denies all of it.

The Judge, being completely neutral and impartial in the divorce court, gave all the elves, the homestead, the factory, and all of the land to Ms.Loogfut, who immediatly sued Kris for trespassing on her property. The Judge fined Kris $200, plus sales tax (400%).


Above: Dancer tells us the sad story of his childhood, leading up to the worst event of his life- the Claus family divorce.

Kris has decided that, even though he is out $800, he still has enough money to move to the Bahamas and buy a summer home. Or a winter home, for that matter. Dancer and Cupid, naturally, feel left out, but Mr. Claus told them it was simply the way of the world, and that his ex-wife didn't like to eat reindeer meat that much.




CRUISE SHIP EXPLODES, TURTLE SAVES MILLIONS

Above: The famous "Indoor Fireworks Spectacular!" cruise ship explodes inexplicably with five million passangers on board.


Two days ago, the USS Up in Flames, owned by the "Indoor Fireworks Spectacular!" cruise company, exploded for no logical reason whatsoever. The cargo was a luckily only a mere twenty-six million, and only 95% were killed. Still, experts are still debating how this tragedy occured.

LEFT: This is the sea turtle aclaimed to have saved 5% of people aboard the USS Up in Flames. He has made no comment as to why he let 95% of 5 million people burn to death.

IMPORTANT NOTICE: Nothing on this website is true. Please don't sue me.